Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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