I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
