Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize