someone get that fucking seahorse.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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