I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
