i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Randomize
