His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
even my farts smell like vagina
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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