drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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