I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
