Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
