4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
