Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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