I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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