Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
