Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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