If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize