I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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