im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
