Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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