I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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