life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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