She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
