i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
