I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize