you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
