Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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