Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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