Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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