one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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