Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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