I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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