And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Congratulations! We have a period
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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