He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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