haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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