youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
