Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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