who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
