i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
