sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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