Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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