he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Success! We fucked roommates!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
im on a boat
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