im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
