just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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