i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
