Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
