Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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