No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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