I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
