You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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