my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
