Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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