Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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