somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
