Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
