If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
