it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
