Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize