wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
