There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
